From Ary's Inbox

I have two gems to share this morning. . .

From: chickowski
Subj: her boobs swelled in excitement

Give her a meaner leaner wienner for dinner makes the wiener's owner a winner.


From: Carolina (at lease THIS one was a real name!)
Subj: Increase by 2 inches today (although a much less thought out subject line.)

Reach the depths of your woman's cavern - possible now with our product


Cavern? Really? Who's JOB is this? I'm picturing 2 16 year old kids in a basement room, getting paid to smoke crack and come up with these treasures! JeSUS, get an Xbox!

Quintessential PB&J.

Hello dear readers.....
Um, ok. . .dear reader.....
Ok......ME.

I pose a series of questions. This will not be one of those silly myspace surveys, this series of questions, and the clues to your personality you'll find are mind-boggling.


So, without further ado.....




1.)White or wheat?


2.)Do you prefer your peanut butter creamy, chunky, or extra chunky?


3.)Do you prefer jam or jelly? What flavor?


4.)How important is milk in this equation?


5.)To toast, or not to toast?


6.)Plate, napkin or both?


I hope you have taken the time to look deep into yourself for the answers to these questions. After all, peanut butter and jelly is the window to the soul.

The dangers of lunch

Easy Mac, or Lava Noodles? By the time you can actually eat this stuff your spoon is melted and it's overcooked to a sort of cheesy mush. Hell, it's a good 5 minutes before you can actually take it out of the microwave without fireman's gloves. I think I'll stick with Ramen in the future.

He's an artist

This was in my inbox this morning. I would really like to meet the guy who sits around and thinks this stuff up.

"Waiting around the bend, my huckleberry friend, my pounder and me."

Vocabularial Revolution

Recent adds to the Jessary Vocabularial Catalog:

Cultesque
Obnoxiousity
Vocabularial (that one's kinda a given)
Assesque
Zonino
Cjool (pronounced ka-YOOL)

These, and more, coming to a conversation near YOU!


-Jessary

Ary's Wish

I wish that cake tasted like ass
and also ice cream too;

I wish salad didn't taste like grass
or brussels sprouts like poo;

I wish my butt would only grow
if I ate cabbage greens;

I wish that I could only know
the feel of size 8 jeans.

Idiots shouldn't breed

I am so mad, my head may explode. I was just walking through the park next to the lake with my husband. When we got there, a little boy was standing next to the water, poking into it with a stick. He couldn't have been more than 6, and he was completely alone. There was a little scooter lying near the path. He also wasn't wearing any shoes. While we were there, he actually walked through the water flowing over the dam. It is APRIL, and some idiot is letting their little boy wander around alone, without shoes, next to a LAKE. Any number of horrible things could have happened to that kid tonight, and the only one that seems to care is me?! Well, me and the extremely scary lady who wanted to kick my ass because she thought the kid was mine. She was scary, but at least SHE gets it. I hate people!

-Jess

From Ary's Inbox: Are People This Stupid?

Here's a quote from one of the THREE million dollar scams in my inbox this morning.

I am Barrister Matthew Baker, an attorney at law in London. A deceased
client of mine, by name Alh. Slamet Hassan died in Banda Aceh in
Indonesia with his wife and family as a result of the deadly Tsunami.
Please log to this website for more about the Tsunami
www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2004/tsunami.disaster/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2004_Indian_Ocean_earthquake

I didn't realize people were STILL milking the fucking tsunami. I can't believe some idiots actually fall for this shit. Now, it's like every time someone dies in another country, I get an email saying that I'm the sole heir to their multi-million dollar fortune. Come the fuck ON people, this isn't King Ralph.

Today's Most Ridiculous Spam

"The way to a woman's heart is a 9 inch weapon tight in her loins."

Oh yeah, that's a direct quote. Weapon, really? Do people fall for this crap?

-Jess

The dangers of Photoshop: Part 2

I thought, since I've been honing my retouch skills, it may be a good idea to offer retouching to the huddled masses via Ebay. First thing I did was go to Ebay and search for retouching, just to see what people are offering, and what they're getting for it.

Oh.

my.

GOD!















This is physically painful to me! I have a hard time with even a small amount of retouching on children, but this...THIS is grotesque.

I'm all about having a funny blog, but this shit isn't funny. This is just wrong, in every imaginable way. BLECH!

From Ary's Inbox

Sometimes, junk e-mail can be more entertaining to read than the stuff from people you know. But sometimes, just sometimes, the name of the sender and subject line are all you need!

Subject: buy now Viagra 100mg x 60 pills us$129.99
Sender: Gay Skaggs

Ok, I hadn't planned on buying Viagra, but I SURE as HELL wouldn't buy it from Gay Skaggs!

Gay Skaggs, geez! I think a little coffee came out my nose on that one!

That's all, just HAD to share...

-Ary

The dangers of Photoshop

Photoshop is a valuable tool for any photographer. While out perusing the internet, we realized it is NOT idiot-proof.

Either this darling little girl has an old man for a guardian angel, or SOMEones a bit rusty at the ol' photoshop.

Also, it seems as though blown out is the new correctly exposed and slutty pictures is the new senior portraits.I guess what we're saying, as a coupla people who work in the photography industry is..

Just because you own a camera does NOT mean you should be a "fertografer!"